Am I Insecure?

For the first time in my life, I was told that I’m insecure. By whom? By a sister-friend who claims that she knows me. My reaction? ‘Oh-no-you-didn’t’ face (how could you blame me?).

Yes, I was told by a sister-friend (codename: Friend A), recently, that I was insecure. She said that I always have to feel appreciated and loved. But who doesn’t? Who doesn’t want to be seen that you’re worth something? And who, in this world, doesn’t want to feel loved?

I want to say that never in my life have I felt insecure. Yes, that’s true. You may say that I’m a fake for saying that but that’s the truth. I have never felt the need to prove myself to people. I have always felt secure—I guess it’s because I know that I can do a lot of things and that’s where my confidence roots. As a matter of fact, when I told another sister-friend (codename: Friend B) that I was told that, she was also shocked and she said that I’m one of the most secure and most stable persons she has ever met. She said that she thinks that I’m not insecure—and I think so too. To tell you all the truth, I didn’t even know that I could ever be one. Why, you ask? Well, to put it simply, I believe that the concept of insecurity does not exist in my world. Thank God for my parents raising me in such a way that insecurity is blocked out from my universe.

Friend B then told me that Friend A once told her mom about me, saying that I was too happy and too confident to be singing for people because I know that I’m good and all that. And surprisingly, the mom told Friend A that the reason why I’m like that is because I’m insecure. Sadly, as Friend B put it, Friend A believes so. You know what else? Friend A told Friend B that she’s never gonna let me know about this. Double ouch, right? First, I was told that I was insecure and second, knowing that Friend A would keep a serious idea like that from me and she believes that idea.

Going back to that very time when Friend A told me that I was insecure, she also brought up my singing. She said that I’m always too conscious of how I’d look on stage and if my voice would sound great. I didn’t combat her with words but  here was my internal monologue: ‘I’m a performer. My entire body faces people and nothing physical is being hidden from them. Duh, I HAVE to look good. You have to remember that you are singing before a crowd, not just to yourself. People actually watch you sing. When you squint, they see it. When you pick your nose, they’d see it. Trip on stage, they’d witness it. That’s why show business is called SHOW business—because you SHOW everything. And with the voice, I’m a singer and I capitalize on my voice. If my voice wouldn’t sound right, I don’t think I have the right to claim that I’m a singer. Singers are supposed to sound good that’s why they’re mindful of how they sound.’

Seriously, I don’t see how being confident because of the fact that you know that you’re blessed with a lot of talents and being happy to make yourself and your audience happy because of performing for them translates to insecurity. I mean, I perform for performing’s sake. I sing for its own sake. I dance, act, write, host, speak, and create for their own sake, not because I feel the need to be praised because I do them well. I perform because I love to perform—not because I want to hear people tell me what they think of me. The comments are tertiary. What I value more are these: I have fun doing it and that I do it for myself and my audience.

If I really am insecure, then I probably would be doing everything in my power to be the best in everything I do. I have never even joined any workshop or whatsoever that would aid me in improving my talents. Also, if I feel the need to be praised, then I should be someone who’s always using her talents to brag about herself and plant this idea on people: ‘I can do this, I can do that. See how great I am?’ But have those words ever came out from my mouth? NEVER. And have I ever been thinking of them? NO. NOT AT ALL.

Friend A said that she’d kill herself to be like me and to have my talents. Now, that’s insecurity. Do I make her feel that pain because of those wants by bragging or showing her that I can do all of those things and she can’t? NO.

Now tell me, am I a person who’s insecure? 

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Do you believe in God?

YES IN EVERY LANGUAGE. Period.
Good thing why wasn't asked--or else... I'd write a litany here.

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What TV show makes you laugh the loudest?

Just for Gags. Can't help but go ROFL, literally. :)

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If you could have invented one thing, what would it have been?

a sleek and light headgear or contact lenses that would enable me to see through people's hearts

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Are you more of a talker or more of a listener?

Tough question... I'm both.. But that also depends on who I'm with. Say, I'm with a talker. I definitely become a listener and v.v.

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If you could have an endless supply of any food, what would you get?

French fries, salmon sashimi, blueberry cheesecake, steak

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How should love be?

So I failed to talk about love in my earlier post. I have talked about the boy I like instead. The reason for that was because I was thinking about him. And given the nature of this blog--everything that's currently on my brain--, I have decided to create a post about him. And to make up for it, here in this post, I shall fulfill my earlier promise. I shall talk about LOVE.

First and foremost, I 'agree' with the old cliche 'love can not be defined'. It's true... I mean, even Webster's cannot define it entirely and neither can Ninja Words (my favorite online dictionary ever) or any other dictionary or general reference books. On the other hand, there are lots of books about love--none of which I have read-- and of course, the immortalized Nicholas Sparks novels (I like his books, just to straighten things out). But in actuality, love can be defined--on a case-to-case basis, that is.

I believe you would agree with me if I'll say that my definition of love is different from yours. Right? However, how I think love should be may be similar to yours. I guess this is because most of us share almost similar ideas about that four-lettered topic. I shall now proceed with the meat of this post... :)

First, I believe that LOVE should make the person loving and being loved happy. I mean, what's the point of giving love and receiving love if it's only going to cause you pain, right? I believe that both parties should be happy (this is also because as I have said in my first post, I do not believe that there is such a thing as one-sided love). Because if only one party is satisfied, that would be selfishness instead of love. This now leads me to my second belief: LOVE should never be selfish. If you're loving someone because you just want to satisfy yourself, do you think that your 'love' can even be called LOVE? Or if you're being loved by someone and you like what is being given to you but you're not reciprocating it, can you imagine how hurtful that must be to the person giving it to you? Aren't both instances just plain selfishness?

Moving on to my third belief: LOVE should never use and be used. For the independent clause, I would like to say that I think, LOVE is not meant to be a power over someone. Love is not meant to control and use someone. If you're using love as an excuse to have a power over the one you love, don't you think that you're being a coward? Because really, when you first accepted the fact that you are in love, and you told the person that you love them, you have already given them the power to both create and destroy you. As for the dependent clause, it's basically the same thing. It's just that this one's on the receiving end.

I'd like to share with you how I dream love to be. I dream that the love I will have would be built on TRUST. Because the strength of any relationship lies on how much parties love each other, right? But of course, for any party to be able to love another, they should really trust and not have doubts on the other. And just like in most relationships--any form of relationship--, doubts are the sources of conflict and damages. The main reason for that, as I see it, is that the person who you are doubting would get hurt really badly after learning that you do not fully trust them. It really hurts not to be trusted, right? And that person would also lose their trust on you because you don't trust them. I'd like to give an example here. Let's say that you're in a relationship and you're calling your beloved. Your beloved doesn't pick up so you've decided to call again. Still, beloved's not picking up. You start to wonder why beloved won't answer your call. So you decide to send beloved an SMS telling him/her to give you a ring as soon as they've read the message. A few hours later, beloved has neither replied to you or called you. You now start to think to yourself whether beloved is avoiding you or not. Either that or he/she's out and unintentionally left the phone at home. What you do now is that you call or text his/her friends, asking them if he/she's with them. The friends then tell you that they're not together. You now text his/her family members to check if he/she's out with them. The parents/sibling tell/s you "no". The next day, in the office/school/wherever, you see your beloved. You immediately walk up to him/her and ask him/her why he/she wasn't returning your calls and texts. Beloved apologizes and tells you that he/she was really preoccupied. You tell beloved that you've contacted his/her family and friends but both have told you that they've had no sign of your beloved. Beloved now starts to think that you do not trust him/her and asks you if you really trust him/her. You tell beloved that you do. Beloved reasons out that if you do, you wouldn't have gone that extra mile. You tell beloved that you were just worried. And then boom! Start of a word war. If only there was trust, you and your beloved wouldn't have reached this point. It doesn't mean that they're avoiding you or doing something behind your back if they have not returned your calls or texts. They're prolly just really busy or they've left their phone or they don't have enough prepaid credits at that moment. What if you just caught them at a bad time, right? See, I'm pretty sure that if the relationship's really built on trust, it would live long and you and your beloved would have a wonderful time together.

There are lots of other things about how I think love should be but if I'd share everything here, this post might be really long and you'd get eyestrain. So I shall end here, knowing that I have shared the most important points (IMHO).

Introduction (What this blog will be)

As you may have read from the title of this blog, I will really type as I think. So whatever random idea that pops up in my brain will be posted here in this blog. Nothing concealed. So just pardon the randomness and the possible choppy-ness of some sentences. I will not delete or any thought--instead, I will type it down right away.

To start off, let me just say that I have always wanted to write blogs on a full-scale but I just can't seem to do it. The main reason for that, I suppose would be because I cannot find time to indulge in writing blogs. But I have made a resolution and from this post on, I 'promise' to blog more often. Another reason why I do not really blog is because I can't find the right blogsite for me. I mean, I easily get bored and whenever I get bored, I stop updating. I hope and pray that I wouldn't do the same 'habit' for this blog. Also, I used to share the computer with the family and I didn't have my own laptop then.

With this blog, I shall discuss anything and everything from dogs to love, music to movies and even folklore (?!). Oh my goodness, this blog will fail an English composition course because it doesn't have coherence and unity *facepalm*.

I shall end this post now and type a new one, of course, about a different topic. What topic? Hmm... the topic we all love talking about--LOVE. I guess, in this blog, I shall be rambling about this topic a lot more often than expected. Hey, what can I do? I'm a girl and we're made this way. :)