Am I Insecure?

For the first time in my life, I was told that I’m insecure. By whom? By a sister-friend who claims that she knows me. My reaction? ‘Oh-no-you-didn’t’ face (how could you blame me?).

Yes, I was told by a sister-friend (codename: Friend A), recently, that I was insecure. She said that I always have to feel appreciated and loved. But who doesn’t? Who doesn’t want to be seen that you’re worth something? And who, in this world, doesn’t want to feel loved?

I want to say that never in my life have I felt insecure. Yes, that’s true. You may say that I’m a fake for saying that but that’s the truth. I have never felt the need to prove myself to people. I have always felt secure—I guess it’s because I know that I can do a lot of things and that’s where my confidence roots. As a matter of fact, when I told another sister-friend (codename: Friend B) that I was told that, she was also shocked and she said that I’m one of the most secure and most stable persons she has ever met. She said that she thinks that I’m not insecure—and I think so too. To tell you all the truth, I didn’t even know that I could ever be one. Why, you ask? Well, to put it simply, I believe that the concept of insecurity does not exist in my world. Thank God for my parents raising me in such a way that insecurity is blocked out from my universe.

Friend B then told me that Friend A once told her mom about me, saying that I was too happy and too confident to be singing for people because I know that I’m good and all that. And surprisingly, the mom told Friend A that the reason why I’m like that is because I’m insecure. Sadly, as Friend B put it, Friend A believes so. You know what else? Friend A told Friend B that she’s never gonna let me know about this. Double ouch, right? First, I was told that I was insecure and second, knowing that Friend A would keep a serious idea like that from me and she believes that idea.

Going back to that very time when Friend A told me that I was insecure, she also brought up my singing. She said that I’m always too conscious of how I’d look on stage and if my voice would sound great. I didn’t combat her with words but  here was my internal monologue: ‘I’m a performer. My entire body faces people and nothing physical is being hidden from them. Duh, I HAVE to look good. You have to remember that you are singing before a crowd, not just to yourself. People actually watch you sing. When you squint, they see it. When you pick your nose, they’d see it. Trip on stage, they’d witness it. That’s why show business is called SHOW business—because you SHOW everything. And with the voice, I’m a singer and I capitalize on my voice. If my voice wouldn’t sound right, I don’t think I have the right to claim that I’m a singer. Singers are supposed to sound good that’s why they’re mindful of how they sound.’

Seriously, I don’t see how being confident because of the fact that you know that you’re blessed with a lot of talents and being happy to make yourself and your audience happy because of performing for them translates to insecurity. I mean, I perform for performing’s sake. I sing for its own sake. I dance, act, write, host, speak, and create for their own sake, not because I feel the need to be praised because I do them well. I perform because I love to perform—not because I want to hear people tell me what they think of me. The comments are tertiary. What I value more are these: I have fun doing it and that I do it for myself and my audience.

If I really am insecure, then I probably would be doing everything in my power to be the best in everything I do. I have never even joined any workshop or whatsoever that would aid me in improving my talents. Also, if I feel the need to be praised, then I should be someone who’s always using her talents to brag about herself and plant this idea on people: ‘I can do this, I can do that. See how great I am?’ But have those words ever came out from my mouth? NEVER. And have I ever been thinking of them? NO. NOT AT ALL.

Friend A said that she’d kill herself to be like me and to have my talents. Now, that’s insecurity. Do I make her feel that pain because of those wants by bragging or showing her that I can do all of those things and she can’t? NO.

Now tell me, am I a person who’s insecure?